The Art Of Drinking Beer

Posted on September 22, 2011 by

This is my rant on pigs in pubs.

I had my first sip of beer at 3 years of age, I started drinking in pubs on my own at 13 years of age, spending the first 5 years drunk and 40 years of running hotels has definitely given me the edge in knowledge about the hospitality and the beverage industry, especially in the art of drinking, smelling, tasting and presentation of that wonderful, delightful flavor of the nectar of the gods, “beer” ahhhh in heaven.

People that own and run business put up with a lot of crap from the general public, some of the public are real thugs and a pain in the arses, these are the arsewipes that think their money is real power and often we shut up for the sake of the business because some of these bastards can be real vindictive, but even that has limitations for the real died in the wool arseholes, and now these low life have blogs to unleash their cowardice.

I have tried not to let the scumbag element of life cloud over the fact there are some wonderful fantastic people on this planet, and I am grateful for their company and their wisdom, but its the low life that are the most memorable in pubs..

I have dedicated this special little piece to all of these know all brainless morons that pissed  me off over the 40 years of me shutting up and listening to their crap on how a beer should look and taste, truth is these brainless bastards haven’t a clue, I did tell a few over the years that they talked through their arse, but to really get the message across to these thick heads you have to bash the pricks, but today these pricks are protected from bush justice, so I tell it as it was in here.

For years I walked on fucking crushed egg shell so as not to offend these arseholes, that was an idiot stage in my life where I like most people was brainwashed and stupid enough to think the customer was right, and I shut the fuck up for the sake of the business, that was a mistake because these arseholes drive people out of the pub, I can tell you first hand that the customers right shit is a load of crap, the customer is rarely if ever right, most are as dumb as dog shit, especially when its a bar fly with no brains giving you advice, a fucking labor voter and union dick head, they are probably the dumbest cunts I have ever met in my life..

Jesus we get fed a lode of shit as we grow up the customer is always right, fuck me I can’t believe I was stupid enough to believe that shit.

After years of living on this planet and putting up with dumb pricks all my life gives me a totally different view to the one we’re brain washed with.  Maturity and years of serving the bastards in hotels tells me different, the shit heads are never right, especially on the most important things in life, like the “art of drinking beer”, this knowledge is way above the average stupid bastards pay level, and their should be a law against these bastards entering one of gods drinking holes, let alone let the pricks drink beer, these dumb bastards are stupid enough with out giving them a beer with alcohol in it.

And to the person that dreamed up the saying the customer is always right was another fucking moron that quite obviously never had the pleasure of being a drunk’s slave running a hotel, usually a politically correct public servant Labor voter.

Their lack of knowledge about the art of beer drinking, its presentation, and the importance of a soft creamy frothy head, bubbles in a glass and what it means, cleaning the beer reticulation system and knowing the trade secrets of how to do it the right way, the importance of changing barrels and letting them run out keeping beer fresh, and knowing how to age and keep barrels, what is the right temperature to pour and drink beer, the cleaning of the glasses, the art of pouring a beer, and savouring the nectar of the gods, none of this stuff is taught in the done my course at uni classes.

This was a course taken by dedicated professional drinkers that bought pubs so they could savour the flavour of the gods and drink until contentment without getting tossed out before capacity has been reached.

It had nothing to do with running a hotel it had to do with my love of this nectar of the gods, and to listen to the biggest bunch of dills in the world give an opinion of something they turned into pig drinking, all drinking did to these parasites was make them sound more intelligent to themselves, an insult to the real connoisseurs, we drank to make others smarter.

The biggest blow to the hotel industry was the welfare system, why, because we had the greatest pourers of beers in the world, the unmarried mother and deserted wives, when we employed the lovely ladies we didn’t need steroid apes on security, one word from them and you left quietly any fuss and you got the shit beaten out of you, and they never gave our beer away to their idiot mates, when these ladies told you to go home you’ve had enough to drink you went home with out a fuss, now pubs are full of tough guys wanting to fight.

Giving these women welfare fucked their social lives, we were part of a big family and the socialist bastards took that interaction with people in pubs away from them, the only good thing to come of it was we gave them cash under the counter as well as a legal wage..

When we lost these cream of the cream working women to welfare we were left with the uni student and dole recipients to pour beer, dumb as dog shit bimbo’s, and the bar dills over time got all the dumb arsed bar staff to present a beer to their mean miserable specifications, no head and it tasted like piss, this would never have happened if the left wing do gooder arseholes in politics had not paid the unmarried pension and got rid of the greatest beer pullers on planet earth and replaced them with the biggest bunch of useless pricks we have ever seen in the hotel industry.

The slob drinker managed to stuffed up the godly heavenly art of beer drinking by standing over the new dumb bimbos with no brains and unloading their idea on how they wanted a beer pulled, each know all idiot gave his version of how to pull a beer.

The new Bar staff that were only num-nuts that had no allegiance to the  hotel industry, to them it was just a pay packet to spend on being morons after knocking off work, right or wrong neither knew what they were talking about, these mindless bimbo were taught at school and were brought up on a diet the customer is always right, taught to them by another idiot, the famous left wing Aussie teacher, to these people working was just a means to supplement their free education, a means to get enough money to get through school or until some Romeo married them.

Through their ignorant, mean, tight arsed, pig drinking, slob habits, and their ignorant total lack of knowledge they managed stuffed up the beer trade, that’s why we see so many morons drinking stubbles in bars the draught beer tastes like shit because they don’t know the secret art of beer tasting, along with the new moron pub managers and dumb corporate owners that should never been let into the hotel management system, they fucked up the whole hotel business and the art of drinking beer.

The old traditional quality beer purveyors have become a dying breed, bad staff, to many stupid fucking rules and laws, unable to sack an arsehole, most if not all of the old expert beer men took off to quieter pastures, the hotels were sold to the big supermarket chains, up went the prices, and the publicans replaced by the key jangling done my beer pulling course new age politically correct dumb f#@king done my management course in hospitality and people management wanker course, none of these idiots ever realized running pubs and handling arsehole is not learned in a course at school, a course set up by another bunch of morons public servants that knew fuck all about people or pubs.

When I first started drinking we used 5 oz. glasses, why? for beer to taste like mother’s milk it has to be drunk at approx. 3 degrees and poured right with the right amount of head, and savoured with a few pleasantly tasting swallows to the last pleasant drop (perhaps you could call the stuff maidens water), small meant it was downed to the last drop at the right tasting temperature, being a small glass meant it disappeared quicker and a nice fresh new one was waiting for the same treatment a trip down the gullet, the closest thing any man could ever get to heaven, all the attention it got from the publican extraordinaire gave it this extraordinary flavour.

5 Oz beers were a bit small and OK when the bars were not air conditioned, then 7 oz glasses out of the chillers were the go, drinking was an art form meant strictly for the connoisseur, presented and served with a nice soft full creamy complementary head, it was a pleasure to sit and savour the flavours of the amber nectar of the gods poured by a master publican.

And to spend some time drinking this heavenly drink and talking shit to a mate in a bar somewhere was living at its best, the publican was the guy that took care of all of the precise feature of the beer delivery systems, a man that had to be a dedicated connoisseur himself, if the delivery system was not cleaned the right way the beer took on a tannin tart shit taste and lost its smooth creamy flavour, to mask out this shit taste the new idiots in pubs sold beer far to cold..

I bought my first hotel to savour the flavour after hours, I got sick of getting thrown out of hotels before I had my proper fill, and I wasn’t past telling pricks to f#@ off and “buy your own hotel” if they wanted to drink in my hotel after hours, the hours I spent drinking long past midnight were the most memorable in my life, feet up on the veranda rail of the old Bemm River hotel looking up at the black night sky full of stars, a couple of large jugs lined up, I even had a five gallon keg I would take fishing and shared with my big mate Des Brunt, someone had to drive the boat as we pulled our illegal gill net in full of the magnificent Gippsland bass,(another story)

Until one day I got a bit crook, a doctor asked me what I drank, I said my wife stopped counting after seventy beers, he told me I had to stop drinking alcohol before it killed me, he asked me if I was an alcoholic, no I was not, why do you drink so much, “why” because I loved the stuff and it makes everyone you talk to more intelligent, some doctors have no understanding of life, that wowser doctor is dead now I out lived him, he should have drank more, as a matter of fact I have out lived all the don’t drink preachers and I never told him about the bottle of scotch II finished off before bed, my liver just need a bit of a rest at that particular stage in my drinking career.

The real beer connoisseurs would travel for miles to drink this master craftsman’s fine ale, it was not always possible to get and savour this magic brew, why because cleaning the delivery system was a time consuming job, an art in itself, a job for the most dedicated, it didn’t matter how pissed you got, a good publican never shirked the responsibility of this most important of cleaning jobs.

If he failed to do this the connoisseurs could pick the subtle change in the flavour in a flash, and he was told in an no uncertain way, “your beer tastes like piss”, only the most dedicated publicans new the secret, and had the desire to spend time cleaning the system, he was a man that was a highly respected member of the beer connoisseurs community, a man held in the highest regard, and rightfully so, this cleaning of all the pipes, taps and fittings, all had to pulled apart every few days, this was what made some pubs so popular and beer taste so smooth, these gentlemen’s hotels were always packed to capacity.

All my hotels displayed this sign, “this hotel is dedicated to those merry souls that make drinking a pleasure, reach contentment before capacity and always remain gentle folk” in other words behave your f##@ing self.

Glasses and how they were cleaned was another factor in how the creamy head of the beer followed your every sip of this magnificent nectar, the froth stuck to the side of the glass all the way to the bottom of the glass to the last drop, a sign of a great beer, eating greasy food sent the beer flat, if a glass is not washed the right way with the right detergent, not the scented detergent that interfered with the smell and taste, the head went flat and the nectar of the gods tasted like piss, what have we got today gins piss.

One particular type of pub moron drinker used to really piss me off, the guy that must have had a gob full of shit when he had his first sip, slapping his lips he would hold up the beer glass, your beers off mate he would parrot, can you fix it, to please dick head I would go to keg room and hit a barrel a few times with a hammer called the dick head hammer to give old drongo the impression I was replacing the barrel, and amazing how many other morons would agree with him the beer was off, these arseholes are like a fucking virus using their mouth to spread the word, yeah the morons would all chorus, yeah mate beers off, I would then go back to the bar and pour a bit off and sip it with a big aaaah, give him one and a big smile would come aaaah that’s better mate you fixed it and the others would parrot the same yeah mate that’s better, f@#@ wanker.

I never did a thing other than bang an empty barrel with the dickhead hammer pretending I changed it, I would never hit a barrel full of beer with the nectar in it and disturb those fantastic flavours.

You could always tell when the glass was cleaned right there were no bubbles clinging to the side of the glass when it was full, and the head clung to the sides all the way to the bottom until empty, if there were bubbles it was a dirty glass, contrary to today’s drinker that’s used to drinking shit beer, they know f#@#all about the art of beer drinking, bubbles to a connoisseur means dirty, to a dickhead no bubbles means a flat beer, it must be flat that was just the drunks mouthing off about knowledge they never had.

It wasn’t flat you morons it was how a beer was supposed to look, idiot, I used to drop a dirty coin in the glass and watch the bubbles form from the dirt.

Flat beer meant dirty beer lines, dirty glasses, dirty equipment and greasy mouths, also from barrels in the cellar not changed and the beer barrels never run out, to save money the shit publican butted the new barrel on to the back of the old barrel and never ran the beer out, beer is a food and if contaminated by dirty equipment or air the beer gets rancid from bacteria and goes off, never running the beer out meant it was going to go off.

What did that publican do to cater for the winging moaning slob mean drunk bastards, he did what all shit heads that can’t run a business properly do, drop the price, by dropping the price and making the glasses bigger the beer drinker turned into the pig he is today.

The swill merchant wants quantity, not quality, he ends up with cheap hot piss to satisfy his pig drinking drunken slovenly habit, by selling cheaper the shit publicans conned the mean bastards into bigger glasses to make up for his lack of experience and capitalize on the moron mean streak, and by the time you got to drink the last bit of beer in the bottom of the glass it had the same taste and texture as hot piss.

Don’t you just love drinking with the tight arse that wants to join in drinking with you and he’s drinking out of a bucket and your drinking out of a normal glass, he fucks off when it’s his shout and gets his filled on your shout, pats his pocket as if to pay, funny how this piece of tight assed mean prick always has to go to the toilet or walks off to talk to someone when it his time to pay.

A tip for girls looking for a husband never mind how charming a man is if he dodges his shout fuck him off he’s a horrible mean miserable low bastard and will make your life miserable with his tight assed ways…

These days the drunks are drinking real pigs piss, if the glass of beer is not cleaned properly or is in a dirty glass, its flat, hot because it now takes 4 times longer to drink and the last 2-4 of mouthfuls tastes bloody terrible, has no head and flat, poured by fucking uni student or part timers that were too busy talking or flashing her big tits.

All the old bar maids were mainly deserted wives or unmarried mothers and the best of the best people to pull a beer, and they handled drunks better than any steroid muscle bound fucking ape you see in hotels today, the socialist shit head governments politically correct and do gooders decided to give all these fantastic females the unmarried mothers pension to stay home, we lost our best workers, and they were replaced by idiots.

lucky some of the old girls stayed on and gave the new dills a lesson in how to work, but that ended up a fruitless task as the new breed that worked in hotels did it to supplement their dole income or pay student fees, none were as dedicated as the unmarried mums that need a job to feed the kids, and all publicans gave these women working hours that fitted in with work, and a lot of kids used to come to the hotel mum worked in I’m one of those kids, and it didn’t hurt me I ended up owning a lot of pubs, and in the end we out smarted the idiots that gave them the pensions we paid cash under the counter on top of the pension it was a win for the girls.

The next step in fucking up the art of beer drinking was slowly creeping in now the beer was flat from incompetent bastards in the industry, pubs managed by dills with no duty of care as to what they were selling and the drinking stubbies mentality was now a culture in the public bars because the draught beer tasted like shit and was hot, drinking or bringing a stubby of bottle of beer into a bar was taboo and not in the same class as a beer presented by a professional purveyor of beer.

Now the bastards will sneak a beer into the bar in a bag after they bought it cheap in a bottle shop, there is no end into how mean people have become today, they don’t care you supply everything in the hotel from toilets to lighting, seating ect and dickhead bring his beer into the hotel, the toilets are too good for this mean piece of shit, as a matter of fact I think today society have become the meanest bastards on planet earth.

A few ingenious ideas drifted in to the game, one was the frozen beer front this was to make the beer as cold as possible to hide the shit taste, the other was to have little holes in the bottom of the beer glass to give the beer bubbles, because regulation on cleaning beer glasses did make them cleaner, the mentality of bubbles had to be overcome hence the holes in the bottom of the glass to get bubbles working.

The morons were happy they got out smarted by everyone, and us connoisseurs are stuffed, so I stopped drinking, shit might be a good time to get another pub, nah to hard the dills are so used to drinking shit they would argue your beer had no flavour, tannin, stale, vomit tasting shit beer is the norm to the new age moronic mutant retarded shithead slovenly slobby beer drinker.

Sorry about all the abuse but it does feel good to get this shit off my chest after 40 years of putting up with the bottom of the tree drunks slobs and all their shit, the money I made wasn’t worth the effort, I ended up hating those mean bastards